secretguardian (secretguardian) wrote in thedreamweavers,

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A new kind of Flash Back

Since I accidently put this in my thing and not here, I'm mad at myself but I should put it here anyway because I'm going to delete the other thing. (and it's a miricle I noticed that I messed up in the first place.)

I'm trying for this to be a flash back type thing, although it is drug induced/he's hypnotized unwillingly (I know that doesn't normally work but it's something like that). I need to know how much this works and if it can be followed with what goes in what order. Last the reader knows is that Richard was captured by the aliens and probably going to be tortured. The aliens are trying to find information about this haven where people are safe from them and there is a lot of information about the rebellion there. (At least that is one of the things I'm thinking.)

History note: Richard's family disappeared four years ago, when he was sixteen, and his parents were gone before that. Claire is his older sister, by ten years, and Jeff is her wife. He mentioned that they disappeared a night after a meeting and he was out late a bit back. Also, Badger is the name of the guy who is leading the rebellion. OH, and lastly, the reader won't know this but this is all suppose to happen in a less than twelve hour time period.

Richard blinked and looked again into Claire’s room. There was no sign of anyone sleeping in the bed that night. Not even Jeff had slept in it. Slightly worried, he rushed to the next room. No signs of girls sleeping in there either. The beds were untouched there too though Jennifer’s bear was gone from its normal place. She never touched that thing except to bring it to bed with her. The next room was the same; Robert and [whatever] had not slept at home that night either.

In a panic, he rushed outside into the just-starting day. The blue sky with a hint of pink from the fading sunrise greeted him. This was not right. It could not be right. Blind with panic he ran....


The night’s air was becoming thankfully warmer as he swung his knapsack in the air. A slight breeze played with his hair so that even with it being eleven at night, he was not tired but wide awake. Claire would have his head if he woke her up when he went inside. She was not sleeping good as of late, although Benjamin assured her everything was fine with the baby and this was to be expected. Anyhow, she would be thankful to have it out in a few weeks.

The meeting had not gone well. Someone started a fight about who should be the leader and most everyone left in bad moods. And Jeff was still on his case about sneaking into town late at night. He’d have to tell Jeff soon about what he was doing, and risk the consequences.

The only good thing that had happened that night was the haven. Since no one could really decided about anything during the meeting...


“We are to discuss ways of recruiting more people,” Badger said, standing in the middle of the room as they sat around him like always. “And how to appoint leaders. As I have said hundred of times before, a rebellion is worthless without it being well organized, which includes leaders. Now, I feel it is time to set up a chain of command and I will appoint the leader in this settlement and all others in my area. The problem with electing one, like I’m sure you’ve heard was done in the past, is that it becomes a popularity contest and a person without good leadership qualities could becoming the leader.

“I know that you would like me to be your leader but if I die, which will happen, probably sooner than later, you will be headless and all my work would be in vain. I am still thinking about who would be best so I will not appoint anyone now. Also, I will set second in commands and...,” Badger flipped some papers. “Before I forget, Richard, I want to talk to you after the meeting. Now, back to leaders...”


“Richard,” Badger looked at him intently. “I like your idea, with the haven and all. I’ve been trying to figure something like that as well. The only problem I see is I’m just not sure how practical it is. Where is it located?”

Where? Of course it was located... it was located... Badger knew where it was located. The haven had been built four years ago, soon after Claire... after Claire... after...


Then he wakes up in more words than that.
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(Warning: Any stupid suggestions or questions could very well be cased by bedhead-ness.)

Is this some sort of interigation, or is it just him wandering around being drugged?

I could follow it pretty well, though it might help to put it in italics so we know it isn't really happening. And I might move the first little scene down or something, because it's confusing to say they're missing and then have him think about how it will be when he gets home.
I re-read it, and I have to say I'm still confused. First we have Claire gone. Okay. Then we have him coming back after a meeting, and obviously Claire is not (yet) gone. Okay again: that could easily have happened shortly before the first scene. Then we have a scene from the meeting, which apparently also happened shortly before the previous scene. Got that too.

But then in the last little scene--which seems to take place before the first snip but after the second and third--he's thinking about something bad that happened to Claire. I'm assuming that this something is whatever's causing him to panic in the first scene--but that means that none of the other connections make any sense, and the implied order isn't right after all.

So, basically, I'm still confused.
OKay. That makes sense now. So now I know how to esxplain it.

YOu are right that it goes scence 3, 4, 2, 1 in cronilogical (Sp) Order. But at the end he's thinking that Claire should be gone because they did not build the haven until after she was gone. And Badger knew where the was so he should not be asking that.

Right now, as I see it, I can either do two things maybe. First one I don't like that much but that is to make the part that is directing him in some way non italic (because it is italic in the actually writing). There is some kind of person out there who is trying to direct his memories and have him tell them what they want. The problem with that is there is not any real directions normally, just in the last scence.

The second, based on what you said, is to complete his train of thought, saying that "but Claire was gone. Had been for four years. And Badger knew where the haven had been built." Or something like that.