Alyssa (midenianscholar) wrote in thedreamweavers,

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Well, I've been hankering to write this for about four months but was kept waiting by my Uncle Chuck's hectic, saving-the-world style life.

The "[?]" is where I need my dad's help. But I figured I'd go ahead and post this for ya'll input, too.

Note: I wrote this in like forty-five minutes.

I do not have a name.

If I did, it would be Charlie Thurman Hollens.

My mother, after conceiving me out of wedlock, would hand me to an adoption center. I would stay there a few years before a barren woman and her husband would take me and another girl away to their farm in Texas. There I would grow up, often visited by my cousins from Florida, including a girl named Janie. I would become close friends with her brother, Allen, and with him would join the Naval Academy.

We both would be set on becoming pilots. As soon as I was graduated I would marry Janie, and with her would bring four children into the world. I would set out on my life as a pilot while my cousin and brother-in-law would be confined to a ship. I always would have an intense desire to go above and beyond all expectations, which drove me to work late hours, often away from my family.

At the age of [?] I would touch down in [?] with some friends. We would have a quick meal and get in the airplane again for the flight to our next destination. Not far into the flight, all the men on the plane would become sick with food poisoning. I alone would be well enough to grasp the [steering wheel] and fly us to the nearest [port? Air station? Airport?]. A crosswind would be blowing in full blast over the airstrip, any pilot’s nightmare to land in. After a quick prayer, I would land us safely.

When I was [?], an attack would be made on my country. I would jump into command, laying foundations in our war. I would prepare plans to evacuate my people from danger in foreign countries. I would make plans for air-strikes into our enemies land while minimizing threat to innocents and commercial routes. I would survey, select and coordinate our most important base on our enemies’ boarder. I would lead attacks and provide valuable insight into the battles. I would be first into service at a crisis. I would get through the government’s red-tape in order to get submarines where they needed to be in time to prosecute ten foreign vessels. I would launch Search and Rescue Operations, saving eighty lives. I would evacuate critically ill military and civilian persons, whose lives or limps would be saved. I would direct operations of different, new forms of Search and Rescue which would be used for generations to come. I would be the driving force behind Maritime Patrol and Reconnaissance—covering almost half the globe. At my hand terrorists would collapse and surrender. I would support and lead over one thousand combat strike missions in an operation to keep freedom safe.

It would be said of me that “no other single officer can better represent and direct the entire spectrum of Naval Operations”.

I would die at an old age, with many grandchildren and great-grandchildren nearby. My name would be in history books and my story would be rediscovered and marveled at years after I had passed.

But none of that happened.

My mother decided my life was her choice, and I was killed before I escaped the womb.

Janie married another man, but was never really happy. My friends on the plane died in a crash when no one could land them safely. The war cost many more lives, many more years than it would have if I had been there. My name would never be on a page of paper, my leadership would never inspire people to something above normality.

If I had a name, it would be Admiral Charlie Thurman Hollens of the United States Navy; it would be son, brother, father, friend and beloved.

But I do not have a name.

This story is based on my Uncle Chuck’s life. He was put up for adoption as a baby and has lead the life described in this short story. Special thanks to him for letting me use his amazing tale.

Suggestions are very welcome! I'm afraid it sounds a bit too informative and not emotional, especially in describing his Navy victories. I also need a more interesting title. And I'm debating adding in his spiritual story. The reason for keeping it out would be, obviously, that the story would appeal to non-Christians too. The good part about putting it in would be that's really him, more than just some Navy officer.

So, thoughts?
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I'm afraid it sounds a bit too informative and not emotional, especially in describing his Navy victories.
I think it might--but I am absolutely no help, sorry. I can't write action and such: even people walking across the room is difficult for me. :p (All right, I exaggerate. But only a little.)

It's very good, I think; it's an excellent illustration. There isn't a whole lot wrong with it, really, so I don't have a lot of critisism, but I do think the last lines are...jarring. It takes away the emotion of the last sentence, and sounds like the sort of disclaimer one reads in an electronically accelerated voice on a commercial. ;)

I don't think adding in his spiritual story would add an especial lot to it, really; especially if you're aiming towards believers and unbelievers both.
Personally... when you're discribing what he will do, or would have done, I think that that makes it a little...advertisy, like it sounds like a campaign advertisment. "If you elect me governer, I will do this and do this and do this and do this and... ` I'm assuming it ends with, "but I do not have a name". I think that line can either be dropped or kept. In some ways, it ties it together but in others wys it sounds more final if you take it out. I don't know if a spiritual story is nessacarry, but then again, I'm very hestitant about including spiritual things into writing.
I don't think the spiritual story is necessary it stands, I think it's complete enough already, and I'm really not sure where you'd add that in. Overall, too, it's a compelling message, but it has a pretty great danger of becoming confusing--if we don't know straight off that this is about your uncle, who is alive today, we might wonder whether all this great stuff he did is just conjecture; but of course if we do know it right off, that might lessen the impact of the story. So I'm not sure.

One thing to be careful of, though--I think you may be messing up your tenses a bit here...easy thing to do, when you're bending time like this, but it's something to watch.